The Wedding Agreement
by ChaliceInnana
Summary: It's a sequel to Santa Barbara Conduit. It is the big day!
1. The Planning Stage

_I own nothing, All hail Chuck, Bill and minions._

**The Wedding Agreement **

**The Planning Stage**

The Wedding Agreement between Sheldon Lee Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler was neither a lengthy nor complex document. Well, not compared to the still in negotiation Marriage Agreement. That was being hammered out by a bemused attorney cousin of Howard (brother to the Jeweler who helped create Amy's fabulous wedding ring/pendant) and Amy's godmother, Aunt Frances, a California Appeals Court Judge. Her honor was equally bemused, but couldn't help seeing the good sense in many of the clauses such as housecleaning responsibilities, family holiday implementation, dispute arbitration and mediation clauses, and her favorite, bathroom hygiene Do's and Don'ts. The hammering out of details was fairly smooth except for one thing, Amy loved loopholes and Sheldon liked closing them. But as long as it was signed, sealed and delivered before the expiration of the Wedding Agreement/Honeymoon addendum, all would be well.

Simply, the wedding agreement was a 15 page notarized legal document that would probably not hold up in court. It dictated budget, wedding date, venue, attendants… Since it put most of the responsibilities in Amy's hands, it became sort of a litany of things Sheldon would not be doing.

It was the best agreement ever.

In preparation for their nuptials and post wedding trip, the division of labor was clear, Sheldon stayed out of Amy's and her bridesmaids (which had come to include Rajesh) way and he could plan his dream train journey without interference. Not to say Sheldon had no input. There was a suggestion procedure (Klingon benediction? No. Sundae bar? Anything you want, baby. Gentlemen in Starfleet dress uniform? NO STAR TREK!) but after a little while, most of his suggestions had to be submitted to Raj in writing because they seemed to be stressing Amy out. A lot.

There was plenty they'd agreed upon. The planning time frame would be only 6 weeks (they both loathed how long the planning had gone on with the Howard/Bernadette thing). The ceremony would be secular to the point of starting a culture war. The wedding would be conducted by Judge Frances (self-proclaimed Druid) at the Planetarium featuring a digital star display that Raj had created for especially for the couple and especially to refute intelligent design. There would then be a light dinner with sundae bar for Sheldon and open bar for everybody else. Four attendants each, Leonard and Penny as best man and maiden of honor, Bernadette as matron of honor with Missy and Padma rounding out the ladies side. Then Howard, Sheldon's brother George and Raj as groomsmen. Stuart, Wil Wheaton and Josh (Missy's new live in boyfriend) as ushers. Wil would also be alternate groomsmen in case George showed up too drunk. In which case, Josh and Stuart would be responsible for wrestling him to the ground and locking him in a closet. The venue could only hold 60 guests, so it was going to have to be an intimate, child-free wedding… And they both had a few surprises for the other (approved by bridesmaids and groomsmen), but the upshot was this…

This was running like damn clockwork.

There was one big deal that the couple had anticipated, but had no idea how to handle. The mothers.

The ladies were causing trouble. For one thing, Amy had cousins. A metric shitload of cousins (a metric shitload is 2.54 times more than an old fashioned Imperial shitload). And her mother, Margaret, not only wanted to invite them all (with their associated spouses and packs of unruly off spring) she wanted to insert some into the wedding party. Therefore, they needed a bigger venue. This led Mrs. Cooper to observe that Sheldon too had cousins. One of whom was an ordained minister who was associated with an ideal Mega-church, not 5 minutes from Sheldon's house. It was like God was speaking through Google Maps.

To recap, the mothers wanted a full Mega-church extravaganza with 8 bridesmaids and three flower girls (Mary insisted that George's daughters from his first and second marriage be included if Amy's youngest cousin had a berth) and 200 guests. This meant that, for balance, the ushers would need to be promoted to groomsmen along with a cousin to be named later…

And both mothers would like them to cool it with the sex until after the wedding. Margaret wanted to reinforce that Sheldon would need to buy the damn cow if he wanted the milk and Mary thought that Jesus would like it better.

The couple ended the mother video summit. They sat silently for minutes staring at the screen of Amy's desk top computer before she finally spoke. "Well, I suppose we can elope."

Sheldon shook his head and tapped the bound and perfect wedding agreement in his lap. "No."

"I can't do what they want, Sheldon. I am 31 years old, the concept of even having 4 bridesmaids verges on idiocy. And it will blow the budget…" the bride started stress crying. Her groom wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into his lap. "I hate my cousins! I just want my friends."

"Darlin', it is fine. We are not getting married in a Mega-church by my cousin Bobby Lee." Amy raised her eyebrows quizzically, "All my siblings and all my cousins, all our middle names are Lee. Our mothers claim it was a coincidence. Get over it." Amy's sobbing morphed into a small giggle. "we signed an agreement. This is what we are doing."

"How do we tell them that?" Amy asked, laying her head on his shoulder.

"Registered letter."

"Oh." She sighed, "isn't that cowardly?"

"Do you have a problem with that?" he shifted her in his lap so she stared into his eyes.

"No. You are an evil genius." She smiled happily, "but I knew that. What about pre-nuptial abstinence?"

Sheldon answered her in the way she'd anticipated, he pinned her to the nearest wall and coitused the hell out of her for about an hour, before repeating the procedure in her bed for another 3 hours. Then they composed the maternal cease and desist letters, showered, changed the sheets and tried to get a little sleep.

4 days later, Missy showed up at Sheldon's office with a big grin, "You broke your Mama's heart, by registered mail. Coward."

"She stressed out my bride." He didn't look up at his twin. "and if you and President Seibert get married, y'all are free to chose the Mega-church option."

Missy pulled a face, "Do not jump the gun. I am only staying with Josh temporarily, probably forever. As friends, as far as Mom needs to know."

"And I am the coward?" Sheldon finally leaned back and looked at his twin.

"At least I have the decency to lie to her face." Missy said without shame. "Besides, snowflake, I never said you were wrong. Kind of a bold bastardly move, actually. How is your future mother in law taking it?"

"Well, during the 2 hour shouting match last night, the gist was she was going to be leading a million cousin march on the reception and we'd better be prepared to arrest her. On the bright side, now Amy is pissed rather than sad. We might move the wedding to an earlier date to flummox evil queen's vile plans."

"Mom's still coming. She threatens to be weeping tears of rage and sorrow over the fact that you and Amy's eternal honeymoon will be in hell…"

"Amy will find that very romantic…" Sheldon smiled, "and dirty. She's a bad girl."

Missy looked horrified for a second, "I am pretty sure that will pass if you send Mom a copy of the procreation addendum. She does so want grandbabies she can see without a court order." Missy sat down, "can you imagine having AshLei and AshLeigh both as flower girls? And having both their mothers as guests along with George's third wife? You'd need a venue that bans fire arms which that Mega-church does not. I'll tell you one thing, Shelly Bean, I am not getting married until you and Amy give me a niece with a properly spelled name and without attention deficient disorder."

"Missy, do you have a reason to visit?" Sheldon asked evenly, waving his pencil at her, "Unlocking the mysteries of the universe here."

"Oh yeah, I am picking up Raj for the bridesmaids' dress fitting."

"Things aren't weird with you, him and Padma?"

His twin's lovely blue eyes widened, "Shelly! What an insightful question!"

"I am so sorry, let me clarify. I don't care if things are weird for any of you, I just care that you keep it to yourselves." He said sternly, "No one upsets Amy. Except her mother."

"And you?" Missy grinned.

Sheldon's face fell then his head hit the desk, and he sighed dramatically, "Apparently, I am deeply irritating. I was really hoping she wouldn't notice until after the wedding."

"Poor thing. How are you handling it?"

He peaked up at her, "I keep telling her she is right about everything and how pretty she looks. Apparently, at that point, my tone then becomes an issue."

Missy leaned over the desk and kissed the top of his head. "Try harder. I can't tell you specifically what she is planning for your wedding surprises, but you are the luckiest man alive." Before her twin could question her, she sashayed out the door.

Sheldon wait until he was sure she had left, before calling Amy. Her face appeared after a few second, "Hi, Sheldon! I can't talk, I have to go to the bridesmaids gown fitting." She looked stressed. Missy was right, he needed to try harder.

"You don't have to." He had a sudden strong desire to see her in the flesh a situation that didn't devolve into stress crying. "You are not actually performing the alterations yourself, are you?"

Amy raised an eyebrow, "No."

"Then this falls under the category of things you do not have to do." He responded, "Use your superior intelligence and delegate tasks to your minions."

"But this is supposed to be fun…" her eyes shone with tears, "not the most stressful thing I've done since the first time I used a cranial saw! I just want somebody else to do it!" she admitted, then looked sheepish. "Not all of it. Just the boring parts."

"Make Raj do the boring parts. He likes it."

"He's doing too much. He's my friend, I don't want to use him."

"As long as you list him in the program as the wedding planner and allow him to refer to the reception as a Koothra-party… use him as you will." Sheldon assured her.

"I don't want to be a bridezilla."

"What does that even mean? Here, I promise I won't allow you to stomp Tokyo in your wedding gown, if that is the concern." He paused, "I want you to call the girls, let them know that you will not be attending the fitting."

Amy's eyes gleamed with temptation, "What excuse should I give?"

"I have commandeered you for Honeymoon planning." He coaxed.

"That is supposed to be a surprise. Are you really going to give me a hint?" she asked eagerly.

"Are you going to tell me what about your wedding gown is supposed to make hit Pon Farr when you get half way down the aisle?" he countered.

"Well, first, that is very sweet of Raj to say, second, I think you'll be able to control the entirely fictional Vulcan blood fever because it is fictional and because you don't want your MeeMaw to see you like that." She paused, "Also, Star Trek will be inappropriate. So to answer your question, no."

"Then no to your question too," he pouted, then became more focused, "Just tell them I've commandeered you for honeymoon issues. Then get to my apartment as soon as you can." Seeing her, bit her lower lip seductively, "We are going to nap until the neighbors call the cops."

_A/N: This going to get actually smutty. Not to over sell it, but Amy's secrets are worth reading for. It's a sequel, if you have questions refer to Santa Barbara Conduit._


	2. Redneck Comedy

Usual disclaimer. Chuck, Bill, Warner's… xoxoxo.

_References:_

_HeeHaw; syndicated country music variety program from the 1970's and 80's. Used primarily, along with Lawrence Welk, to torture children into misbehaving at their grandparents' house out of sheer boredom. _

_Paul Bunyan: Mythic lumberjack of the old North Woods. Had a blue ox named Babe with whom he shared a storied sexual chemistry (do not look that up!)._

**Redneck Comedy**

Sheldon was extremely grateful that he and Amy had chosen to have such a short engagement because wedding planning was not fun.

And it wasn't like he had that many responsibilities. All he was expected to do was plan the honeymoon and try to keep Amy from slipping into pre-nuptial dementia.

That last part should have been easier than it was. Amy had all the information she needed from when she'd been Bernadette's maid of honor. All she had to do is make all the excellent choices that Bernadette had failed to. According to wedding planner, Raj, she had been doing just that.

"Your girl has exquisite taste when she needs it." Raj stated at the lunch table. He looked Sheldon up and down, "Which brings into question how all this happened, but I digress… Amy doesn't want tuxes…" the boys quietly cheered, "But you will all have to get a new dark charcoal suit, which I have chosen. You'll all finally have a decent suit, you are welcome. The groomsmen and the ushers will be wearing white shirts with ties that match the bridesmaid's gowns. Sheldon will be wearing a white shirt with the tie of his choice." The groom smiled smugly at his friends. Amy had told him this the night before. Her only instruction had been no Star Trek after that caveat, thoughtful whimsy was encouraged.

"How come he gets to choose his tie?" Howard groused.

"She refused to be specific. I think it is because she loves him or some such nonsense." Raj dug into his food, "I feel worse for you two." He indicated Howard and Leonard.

"Why?" Leonard asked.

"Well, at the wedding, you'll have to confront the fact that Amy loves him way more than Bernadette and Penny will ever love the two of you." He smirked.

"Well…" huffed Howard, "you and Padma…"

"Save it. My wedding will have elephants, will last 3 days and will require several different wedding outfits all studded with precious gemstones. Dudes, I have nothing to prove to the western world."

The wedding was only two weeks away. Amy couldn't decide if time was flying or standing still. If these musings were ever uttered aloud, they would lead to Sheldon pontificating that time progressed at a constant rate, it was merely her perception of time that had… then he'd stop himself and tell her how pretty she looked.

It was condescending as all get out, but he was so earnest in his desire that she not be mad at him that she couldn't really get a self-righteous roll going for more than a couple of minutes.

Honestly, when she listened to him and let other people handle the boring bits, she was a lot happier.

But today was a work day. No wedding insanity until after 5pm. She tucked her pony tail down the back of her shirt and dug into the big bucket of brains awaiting dissection. Happily humming "The first cut is the deepest" as she whipped out her favorite scalpel, the one she called Excalibur, she set to work.

Amy knew some people found her work gross. Well those people didn't have a lab full of meth addicted monkey assassins ready to do their bidding, either.

So there, world!

"Hey sugar! You busy?" Missy breezed into the lab. Missy breezed everywhere she went. Yet there was an edge of panic in her voice that Amy had come to associate with Missy bringing bad Mrs. Cooper news.

The sound of the panic made the bride snap. "Fine!" Amy shouted. "Tell your mother I will be delighted to have all my entirely theoretical babies baptized into whatever cult she wants!"

Missy started to laugh, "Wow. Been saving that up, sugar?" Amy threw Excalibur onto the dissection mat with a disgruntled hiss. "It ain't Mama. You'll wish it was. George is flying into town early. I am going to go pick him up at the airport."

"10 days early? How random." Amy observed. "Any reason?"

"I think it is a rich tapestry of events. He had to take a restraining order out against his latest wife… He wants to take over Shelly's bachelor party… His second wife threatened to castrate him…"

"Okay… Don't care. No way in hell. Don't care." Amy addressed the reasons. "Sheldon doesn't want a bachelor party. Especially not one organized by the man you both have described as being, and I quote, sexually incontinent." She paused, then the truth dawned. "You haven't told Sheldon."

"I was sworn not to. It is a surprise." Missy said tightly, "But I didn't promise not to tell you and it is George's own fault if he doesn't close all the loop holes. He knows who he is dealing with."

Amy took off her gloves and fished her phone out of her purse, "Baby." She said when Sheldon picked up. "Trouble is coming."

Sheldon elected to pick trouble up at the airport with Missy. For some reason his limbic system was kicking out a lot more testosterone since he'd started using his genitals recreationally, so he felt more confident about not getting his ass kicked. Also, Missy was on his team. In any other family, Missy would have been both the pretty one and the smart one. She had an IQ of 145 and had been home coming queen at a high school where that really meant something. And she was pure evil…

Sheldon loved his Missy.

George strolled into the baggage area. His current look was an intriguing cross between Billy Ray Cyrus during his Achy Breaky Heart period and an alert Jethro Bodine. He saw the twins standing side by side like disapproving pillars. With their fancy degrees, perfect credit scores and conviction-free criminal records… But he hadn't seen Shelly in years so a little affection welled up in him, "Hey! Bubba! Come here!" He pulled his brother into an aggressive hug.

"Junior." Sheldon rolled his eyes at Missy as he began to disentangle himself. Bubba, Junior… Welcome to the Dukes of Hazard everybody.

"My baby Bubba, getting married! Where is the lucky girl?" He started scanning the room.

"Amy had to work a bit," Missy said as she smoothly carved out some person space for Shelly, by putting George's duffle bag in his hand, "We'll meet her and the gang for dinner."

"Your new beau gonna be there little Miss?" George asked.

"Nope." She said brightly, her blue eyes glittering.

"Oh, Missy," Sheldon said, just as brightly, eyes just as glittery, "I am sure Joshua would love to meet George. Especially since there is no way Amy will be allowed to avoid it."

Missy narrowed her eyes at her twin. "Great idea. I'll text him."

"Already did." Sheldon informed her. "He'd be delighted."

Missy indicated where George should walk to get to the car. "We are both going to get dumped. Once they see that our gene pool is a swamp with gators... We are going to wind up together, living and dying in a haunted mansion that kids throw eggs at." Missy moped to Sheldon.

"I promise that won't happen." He assured her, "It is much more likely to be a murder suicide if we ever had to live together."

The gang, minus Raj and Padma and including Josh, met at the Cheesecake factory, feeling it gave them home field advantage, Penny looked at Leonard. "You've never met Sheldon's brother?"

"Never. But I've heard the tales. He is the boogey man. Part Keyser Söze; part dude from Sling Blade… 100% Jerkass. This will not be fun." Leonard said grimly.

Amy and Joshua exchanged glances. "Melissa didn't want me to come." He muttered.

"Sheldon felt the same way." Amy said, then grinned, "God, I am so curious! If what they say is true, he can impregnate a cocktail waitress on a smoke break from across the parking lot."

Josh nodded, eagerly, "If what they say is true, we are in trouble because he is the Paul Bunyan of dumb bastards. I mean how bad could this guy be? They must be exaggerating."

"I don't know," Howard drawled, he pretended to tip back his 10 gallon hat, "They grow everything bigger in Texas. That may include assholes."

Missy and Sheldon had stopped by the hotel where they'd be housing George so that he could rinse off and let his internal tracking system locate the nearest strip club.

Once at the restaurant, the gang's reaction to George's physical appearance was immediate. He looked just like Sheldon! Or rather, just like Sheldon would look if he had a reptile brain, a mullet, was sun burnt, drank too much, had been in a number of bar room brawls/knife fights and had just slept in his suit.

It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Except it was Dr. Cooper and Mr. Cooper… and they weren't actually the same guy.

"Hey, everybody," Missy smiled, tightly, "This here is Shelly and my big brother George."

Amiable greeting noises emitted from the table.

"Hello, y'all, my only question is which one of you lovely ladies finally put a saddle on this stallion?" George smacked Sheldon hard on the back.

Amy glided to her feet, drawing Sheldon to her side, in a fond manner, "That would be me, George." She said, running her hand down her groom's back, "Amy Farrah Fowler. So nice to meet you." Keeping a firm grip on Sheldon, she reached in front of him to shake George's hand.

"Nice to meet you too, darlin'" George leered.

Sheldon glared at his brother. Amy was his darlin'! Once again, the fiery blood of his brawling Texan forefathers blazed their flaming message across his frontal lobe. **Oh, hell no. **

Then the voice of his Inner Texan, the one that was running the show in his limbic system, chimed in with some things he should do to Amy as soon as he got her into her car.

Happily, George had moved onto being inappropriate with Bernadette and Penny. And the hostess. And the waitress. Also, the old lady at the next table. This allowed Sheldon a second to aggressively drawl into her ear, "Amy, darlin', I apologize for everythin' that is fixin' to happen." He kissed her neck and guided her back to her chair as George finally zeroed in on Joshua Siebert.

"So you are the fella my little Missy left Texas for." He shook Josh's hand aggressively, "I tell you what, there is trail of broken hearts in the Lone Star State."

"George, sit down so we can eat." Sheldon said, sternly.

The larger Texan turned around to face his little brother. "Still bossy as ever, Bubba."

Sheldon narrowed his eyes, "Sit down, Junior."

The rest of the table exchanged curious glances.

"Yes." hissed Missy, "My brothers call each other Bubba and Junior. We have a cousin called Cooter and another called Goober. All our middle names are Lee." She violently unfolded her napkin. "Our family is a HeeHaw skit." Snapping her fingers, and shouted at the server, "Yo! Can we get some wine over here, little girl?"

Whatever fight George and Sheldon had been preparing for had been sidelined by Missy's little outburst. The conversation then limped on, occasionally spiced up by uncomfortable and inappropriate moments brought to them courtesy of that unintentional redneck comedy trio, the Cooper Kids.

Because there seemed to be an unspoken agreement, that this was the moment the three of them should honor their father's memory by drinking whiskey. A lot of whiskey. Not the good stuff either.

Amy suggested to a drunken Sheldon that they should call it a night, but he assured her that he was fine.

To put that in perspective, he had also whispered he wanted to take her to the men's room and rip her panties off with his teeth. So, this evening, what he said needed to be taken with a grain of salt.

Josh tried a similar tactic on Missy, who stared up at him with her big blue eyes, "You aren't goin' leave me because I come from alcoholic, lunatic stock, are you, honey?"

"Oh, Melissa, I knew your people were crazy. I've known your brother for years…" Josh assured her, stroking her deflated hair, "why don't we go home."

"To do some sinnin'! George shouted gleefully, "The devil's business. Looks like both my high and mighty little Twinkies have a little somethin' somethin' on their minds tonight."

Sheldon got to his feet, "Y'all better leave now. This is going to be a family dispute." He pulled Amy out of her chair and kissed her on the mouth, "Amy, darlin', you go home. Wait up for me. I am either goin' roll you like damn bale of hay or I am goin' puke all over every damn thing."

"You go too, Josh. If I am here the violence will only be emotional…" She swayed closer to him, "You wait up too, boy. I am wearing some extremely darin' underwear." She kissed him on the cheek, before shooing him out the door.

Once it was just the three of them, George growled, "Y'all are ashamed of me, is that it?"

"I apologize. Was that somehow unclear?" Sheldon asked.

"You never came to one of my weddings!"

"That's because I never heard about them until 2 weeks later when Mom or Missy calls, "Well, George has done it again!"" Sheldon said.

"You asked that little Leonard person to be your best man!" George spat, sounding a little hurt.

Sheldon ignored it, "That is because he is the best man! He is my best friend. Not only that, he is genuinely delighted for me and Amy."

"He's just glad he doesn't have to live with you anymore." George smiled smugly.

"I know that!" Sheldon sat down in his chair, "Here's to Leonard and 10 years of admirable service!" Sheldon did a shot of whiskey in Leonard's honor, "He's a good person. You'll hate him."

"Can't you just act normal for a second? Either of y'all?" Missy held out her glass to her twin to be refilled. "I really like Josh… I mean between this tonight…" she gestured at George, "And the fact that you still make all your work requests when he is at the urinal…"

Sheldon huffed, "The man refuses to keep factual office hours or respond to urgent emails…"

"Shut up!" Missy downed her whiskey, "just shut up!" And then she burst into tears.

Sheldon and George looked fearfully around for the firm hand of George Cooper, Sr. to smack them on the back of the head for making their sister cry. She was usually so tough, that when this did happen… they would really have earned their smacking. The men swiftly moved to either side of her, petting her hair like she was a stressed out hunting dog. "Don't cry, baby girl." George said, "We're sorry. Right, Shelly?"

"Yes." Sheldon assured her, "But you gotta keep it together, little Miss." Then in quiet voice, "don't tell mom."

"I won't," she sniffed, "I'd get dressed down for bein' all high and mighty. And making a drunken spectacle of myself." She angrily threw her tear sodden napkin at an imaginary Mary Cooper.

Suddenly, the twins were engulfed in a drunken bear hug by a now tearful George, "I love you little bastards!"

And although nothing had been settled, they hugged him back, "We love you too, Junior." Sheldon assured him.

_A/N: Shamy smut in the next chapter, then the wedding. Trying to write about wedding planning is what causes writer's block._


	3. Beer It is what's for Breakfast!

_Usual disclaimers; Chuck, Bill and Warner's own everything._

**Beer. It is what's for Breakfast!**

Amy hadn't slept well. Instead of a late night booty call from her fiancé, she had the thrilling experience of retrieving him and his drunken, puking siblings from the Cheesecake Factory at 2am.

Because she was merciful (and had been prepping for puking more than the proposed hot drunk lovin') she took them all back to her place, mostly because Missy didn't want Josh to see her like this. Because they were still at the point where they thought the other was perfect… Hopefully that would be over soon.

The point was that Amy had acted mercifully the night before. She got them water, aspirin, helped them vomit in appropriate places, cleaned up after them when they vomited in less appropriate places…

She hoped they'd remember that.

She crept into her living room where the redneck improv troupe all lay right where they had fallen. She set her laptop on top of the entertainment center and opened the skype link and stepped back.

"WELL, WELL, WELL!" Mary Cooper shouted into her mike. "WHAT HAVE WE HERE?"

All three of her children jolted awake, their faces confused and terrified.

"You betrayed us." George stated bleary eyed to his future sister-in-law before collapsing back onto the floor.

Amy held her cell phone up, "You need to return your Mom's calls, fella, otherwise she worries. And then she calls me." She smiled. "Once I told her what happened…"

Sheldon looked highly pained, "Amy, Mom. Shhhh." Turning his eyes to George, because he couldn't quite move his head yet, "We didn't swear Amy to secrecy. You know the rules, all information not… blah blah… God, I don't even care… You are not allowed to be mad at Amy. You puked Raspberry Kamikazes all over her kitchen."

George pointed at the ceiling, "Fair enough."

"Melissa Lee, do you have anything to say for yourself?" Mary asked.

Missy lay on the sofa, "No. I am messing up with Josh. I knew I couldn't make it work with a single guy with a job!" She whimpered. She was clearly still partially hammered. "I think I peed in the back of Amy's car!"

"Wow. That I did not know. Lovely," Amy said, "Mary, I am going to deal with this. Did you see everything you wanted to?"

"Yes, sweetness. You are a good girl. Take care of my worthless children." Mary said, almost gleefully, "but make sure it hurts a little or they won't learn."

"Don't hurt us," George bleated after the connection had terminated.

"I am not going to hurt you. Why would I? I mean all three of you love me SO much. You all told me so over and over and over again last night." Amy giggled softly. Going to her fridge, she pulled out three beers. "Drink these. They should stabilize your condition until you are no longer my problem. Missy, Josh is coming to get you, and yes I'll clean you up first. And he will not arrive until after Penny and Leonard either take George to the emergency room or to his hotel room depending on how the car ride goes. Penny knows hangovers, this is in her hands."

"Does that mean I get to stay," Sheldon turned his Alaskan Husky puppy dog eyes on her.

"Yes, you get to stay. You don't have a choice. Because we have to go to the venue this afternoon and then meet with the lawyers to finalize the marriage agreement." Amy said.

"I can't sign anything. It wouldn't be ethical." Sheldon took a long sip of his beer, "Wow. That is actually much better." He held the bottle to his forehead.

"I moved it back to 4pm. You should be accountable for your own actions by then." Amy said, running her hand over his head, gently. He grabbed her hand and kissed it.

George watched the scene through narrowed eyes. If he had pulled what Sheldon pulled last night, his wives would have… well, they'd have probably been too drunk to drive themselves… but they would have left him in the gutter… where he would have been picked up by kind hearted, but really messed up exotic dancer…

As Amy moved on to help Missy, George smirked at Sheldon, "First hangover Bubba?"

"I wish." Sheldon drank some more of his beer.

"Hell! Really? How many is this? Eidetic memory and all…"

"Six." He sighed, "Every time I drink this happens. This is pretty mild. Nothing happened that might end up on YouTube. How do you let this happen to yourself so often?" he asked.

"It's happened to you 6 times, you didn't do any of that to yourself?" George asked, holding the beer against his own head. "Wow, that is nice."

"I've done it to myself three times. The other three… my drink was spiked." Sheldon responded, continuing to nurse is beer.

George considered asking him if he was 14 years old, but decided since he had a beer in his hand, he should just shut up and drink it.

After Amy had sent Missy and George off to be other people's problems, she turned to a very green looking Sheldon, "Okay, time to shower and go to bed."

"Can I have another beer?"

"No." Amy said, sternly, extending her hand to her fiancé, "Another beer would kill you."

He grabbed her hand to steady himself as he stood up. It didn't work, he staggered forward, almost pushing her off her feet, "How do George and Penny live like this?"

"I don't know. Lifestyle choice." She hauled his arm around her shoulder and guided him toward the bathroom. She had cleaned up after George had used it. But it still kind of smelled like day old dorm room. "Did your brother smoke a joint in my bathroom?"

"I am not sure. But probably." Sheldon leaned against the door. "You need to throw all these towels out. Junior is gross in some very specific ways."

"Ew." Amy said, frowning. "I received some new towel sets at my work wedding shower. Let's break em in." Amy went into her walk in closet and came back with some towels still blissfully wrapped in plastic. "Okay. You need to undress."

The blood throbbing in his head suddenly decided it wanted to throb elsewhere. "Why don't you do it for me, darlin'?" He pulled her closer, considered kissing her, then miraculously smelled his own breath and said, "I need to brush my teeth."

Amy nodded, "Yeah. No kidding?" She smiled, turning him toward the sink and giving his ass a quick smack.

"I need a new toothbrush." He stated. "George has been in here." He heard Amy sigh dramatically. Quickly she returned from her oral hygiene supply cupboard (she was sooo perfect) and handed him a new toothbrush, the kind that he had lobbied for being the official toothbrush of their marriage. "I love you."

"Brush, please." She unwrapped the tooth brush and handed it to him.

"You should probably get naked and warm up the shower," Sheldon said through tooth paste mouth.

"Nice try, baby," Amy handed him a Dixie cup full of water, "You are going to shower and then we are going to go to sleep and if, when you wake up, you still wish to roll me like a bale hay or rip my panties off with your teeth, let's go. Right now you are going to shower and I am going to cancel our appointments, because you look like hell, baby." She turned and left the bathroom.

"Meanie." Sheldon called after her.

When Sheldon woke up, Amy's digital clock with the Giant numbers stated it was 5:15pm. After she had tucked him into bed with a huge glass of water and more aspirin… he must have slipped into a coma. But with the exception of a little cotton mouth he felt good. Really good.

Amy was napping on top of the blankets next to him. She looked really peaceful. He turned on his side to stare at her. She also looked rosy and warm.

A nice person would let her sleep.

But if Amy wanted a nice person, maybe she should have gotten engaged to one.

"Amy." He whispered, rolling so that he hovered over her. He leaned down and kissed her softly, "Amy." He called again.

Still sleeping, she swatted him away, murmuring, "it's made of cookies."

Sheldon looked puzzled for a second, but still proceeded, "Wake up, Amy."

Frowning she rolled on her side, groaning, "marzipan tastes like paste. Jerk."

"Amy, wake up. You are freaking me out." Sheldon said loudly.

Amy sat up, her eyes wide, "Darth Vader." Seeing, Sheldon eying her quizzically. "Hey, baby. How's it going?" She playfully punched him on the shoulder.

"You were having a nightmare about baked goods and Darth Vader." Sheldon said.

Amy fell back on the pillow, "I was dreaming about our wedding cake. The baker made us a giant cookie and told me that he could make it look like a cake with marzipan and fondant. The baker might have been an orc. Then Darth Vader showed up…. I am having a lot of wedding stress dreams."

"Why?" Sheldon asked, yanking the covers around so he could cover them both. "A giant cookie would be amazing." He pulled her into his arms so he could spoon around her. "What other dreams?"

"My dress is too small, I am late for the wedding.. and also my Organic Chemistry final that I did not study for…" Amy sighed.

"That's it. No more wedding activity for you." Sheldon said sternly. "Only things that you need to be present for like document signing or dress fitting or pre-wedding parties will be allowed."

"No," Amy sighed, "There is so much to do."

"What is there to do?"

She frowned, "We need to make sure the flowers are right…"

"Raj." Sheldon said.

"The bridesmaids dresses…"

"Missy."

"Wedding favors…"

"No one. Wedding favors are nonsense. Throw a fun sized Snicker's bar on everybody's plate, they'll be just as happy." Sheldon ordered.

"The reception food…"

"Missy. Missy is not currently employed. She can do all this crap for you. And what you don't trust her to do, Raj can do. And if you need somebody to be yelled at, Bernadette. You are not involved. It is all going to be a lovely surprise for you on the wedding day." Sheldon said, sounding exasperated.

Amy chuckled… "Hmmmm… so bossy." She turned in his arms, "Well, I suppose if you insist…" She kissed him.

"I absolutely insist. Your brain is being destroyed." He moved so he was lying on top of her.

She stretched her arms over her head and smiled up at him. "I am not being lazy. I am just being considerate of my beloved's needs…"

Sheldon stroked her hair away from her face and leaned down to kiss her neck, "Good girl." He cooed, pulling her tank top up. "We need to help you relax."

A/N: I know, I am a prude for cutting out here, but they really wanted to get nasty, dirty… I love my Shamy, but they are freaks! Wedding next!


	4. The Princess Bride

_I own nothing… But Chuck, Bill, I am serious. This is how the wedding should go_**. **

_A/N: I cannot write about wedding planning anymore. Cue the music, this is happening._

**The Princess Bride**

Her wedding dress was a risk. Amy knew that the moment she conceived the idea. It was confirmed when she told Raj and he burst into tears. He assured her it was happy crying…

She kept the dress hidden from even her bridesmaids in fear they would think her a giant dork and try to convince her to get another gown in the time remaining. Or worse, think her a giant dork and say nothing.

Now, standing alone in the changing room at the Planetarium, one half hour before she married the man of her dreams, she faced the truth.

And now she had to go out and face the bridesmaids, the mothers, the grandmothers and her groom.

Deep breath, "Ready or not, here I come!" she called with terrified playfulness as she entered the room containing her first challenge. The women.

Bernie and Padma gripped hands and squealed with delight over Amy's gown. It was floor length, with a low scoop neck, gathered waist and long gauze sleeves that hung down past her fingertips. Her long brown hair was piled on her head in an elaborate braided style, into which she had tucked her tiara. A simple silver belt emphasized her small waist. Aside from that, the only other jewelry she wore was her engagement ring/pendant.

Penny and Missy saw immediately, what she had done and looked at each other, mouths gaping. Eyes wide in shock.

Amy was dressed as Princess Leia from the final scene of Star Wars Episode 4.

"I did not see that one coming." Penny muttered still in shock.

"Me neither." Missy grinned suddenly, she kissed Penny's cheek, "It is amazing!" she whispered before swooping her sister in law to be into an enthusiastic yet cautious hug, (Rule one: Do not get make up on the dress!)

Padma snapped her fingers… "That was what Raj was trying to tell me! He made me sit through that movie 3 times in the last month! You are that bitchy little girl! With the cheese danish head!"

Amy looked a little startled, but nodded. "That's right. I am Princess Cheese Danish Head."

The more Penny looked at Amy's look, the more she dug it. The dress was very simple, adult and modest. The hair was not the cheese Danish head, and the braids looked nice. For the non-Jedi Knight/Sith Lords in the audience, they would think she just looked like a beautiful grown-up lady getting married in a simple dress.

The nerds would know different. Some would orgasm. Amy would glide down the aisle and into legend. The perfect consort. A geek goddess.

Clearly, she planned the whole thing.

Changing the subject the bride viewed her attendants, "You all look so pretty!" They wore strapless black velvet dresses adorned with rhinestones, so it looked like they were clad in starry skies. Next to Amy's Space Princess gown, the effect was even more pleasing.

Bernadette frowned, folded her arms and shook her head. "Bitch." She said to Amy, "You know this means I have to wear the damn slave-girl gold bikini tonight."

Amy put her arm around her friend, "We all will, sweetheart. We all will. Hold that anger, strawberry, it is about to get much worse."

In the groom's changing area, George and Raj were splitting a small flask of Jaeger, while Leonard attempted to keep Sheldon from taking a hit himself.

"It is my wedding," he muttered, over and over while pacing.

George lifted the flask, "Bubba, may this be the first of many!" As one, the roomful of men turned and glared at him, "What? Too soon?"

In answer the flat hand of Mary Cooper collided with the back of his head as she entered the room. Smiling, she made a beeline for her younger son, "Oh, Shelly!" Mary felt like her face would break from the near constant grin she'd been wearing. And it wasn't like it went away when she was by herself. The only way it would better was if the ceremony was in a church, with a minister and if the couple was right with God…

But the important thing was that her next grandbaby's mama was a lovely, sane educated person who had never had danced exotically for money and would be unlikely to try to shoot her husband.

"You look so handsome," Mary cooed, straightening his tie. She frowned slightly seeing the face of Darth Vader emblazoned on her son's necktie, but said nothing. Sheldon had gotten to pick his own tie. That was Amy's decision. On her head be it. "Do you feel like you need to throw up?"

"No." Sheldon shook his head, "Can we start? Is it time yet?"

"Ten minutes, baby." Mary soothed him. "You are a lucky man. I tried to get into see Amy, but she is in lock down mode."

"But she is okay?" Sheldon asked.

"Oh, yes, she's fine. She just is "avoiding stress"." Mary made air quotes, "After you forbade her to do any heavy lifting on her wedding…"

"I had to Mom. She wasn't having any fun." Sheldon explained, "She shouldn't have to do it if it isn't fun."

"Honey, weddings are hardly ever fun…"

"With all due respect, Mrs. Cooper," Raj interjected smoothly, "I do not believe you know with whom you are dealing. This is a Koothraparty."

"That's nice, dear." Mary said, indulgently, "You boys, go down to the other end now and leave the groom to breath a bit."

Howard, George and Raj obediently slunk to the back of the ceremony space as Amy emerged from her dressing room.

"Holy shit!" George said, eyes wide.

"Oh…" Howard said, "That's what you meant…" he looked at Raj, "About Amy loving Sheldon more than… I see…" Howard went forward and kissed Amy on the cheek. "You look lovely, Your worship. Let's go get that Scoundrel of yours… Unless he's fainted."

Raj took Amy's hands in his and smiled at her, "Ready for the worst?"

"It won't be that bad," she grinned. "Are you sure everything is set?" Raj raised an evil eye brow.

Leonard and Sheldon sat on the sofa in the groom's room. "Okay, buddy?"

"Yes. I am just thinking about my father. I wonder if…" he frowned, "I just wonder what he'd say."

"He'd be proud of you." Leonard put a hand on his arm, "You've got the right lady. Your career is taking off…"

"He'd have liked Amy. He liked mouthy women." Sheldon nodded. "And he would have understood about not wanting a church. If could have he'd have stormed right out of his own funeral once it got preachy."

"I can see you doing that." Leonard grinned, "You probably take after him. Now on your feet, we need to get this party started."

"Leonard." Sheldon felt a little sentimental.

"Yeah, Buddy?" Leonard knew the feeling.

"Thank you."

"No problem." Leonard's voice caught, "I promise, it was never a problem. Now let's go before one of us faints."

_A/N: Amy has one or two more tricks up her gauzy sleeves. I wanted to end with the Sheldon and Leonard moment because I really believe that BBT is about that friendship more than any thing else. _


	5. It all Started with A Big Bang…

_All belong to Chuck and Bill. God bless'em_

_A/N: Fudged the science. I assumed LA would have a nice Planetarium I could use for the wedding and I could be all accurate and sciencey. But they don't. So… f—k science, I am bringing my dream space down from Santa Clara and welcome to the land of make believe!_

**It all Started with A Big Bang…**

Aunt Frances was more than a little nervous. Amy and Sheldon had forgone the wedding rehearsal, asking for her to keep it quick and secular. Then that strange, drunk Indian fellow had cornered her and explained the surprises. Surprises. Plural. More than one. Amy was in on some and completely ignorant of others. Frances had now seen all of them. She was impressed, delighted and spooked.

And more than a little nervous.

Sheldon and Leonard took their places before the bust of Edmund Halley that was serving as the focal point of the ceremony (Altar? No altar. Unless they were going to offer Amy as a virgin sacrifice and Sheldon had made damn sure it was too late for that.).

The lights dimmed suddenly and the dome of the roof lit up the with opening from Sheldon and Amy's favorite program at the planetarium (they had seen all of them and had **very** strong opinions.) Centered in the Universe. Happily, it was without commentary.

Then a lone trumpet began playing Canon in D as the attendants began to walk. First Raj and Padma, followed by George and Missy, then Howard and Bernadette, then Penny alone. Sheldon was pleased to see them all smiling so much until Leonard whispered, "What are they up to?"

"What do you mean?" Sheldon muttered back.

"Happy is one thing. They are almost skipping." The best man noted, frowning and glaring at the gleeful groomsmen.

Then Sheldon saw Amy enter as the music changed to the love theme from Empire Strikes Back.

Externally he smiled at her.

Internally, he suffered an epic spaz attack of delight. Every damn voice in his head was cheering.

_Princess Leia, she's dressed like Princess Leia! She doesn't even like Star Wars!_

_Best Woman in All Universes is mine! MINE! _

_BE COOL! We aren't married yet…_

_She dressed in the ceremonial gown from Episode 4. Be cool, by all means, but this is not a woman who is fixin' to run. I have to believe this means there is a gold bikini for later. Let's get this done so we can break all the limo rules on the way to the reception._

As she began to walk toward him, the dome screen went black… then exploded into color and light. It was the Big Bang. The beginning of everything.

Amy tried to remain regal, but when she saw what Raj had done and what it meant, she stopped, gazed upwards and laughed with pure joy. When she looked at Sheldon, he was laughing too.

The and other academics were universally delighted. For science folk, it was the most romantic thing they'd ever seen. Non-science folk thought it was pretty.

When she arrived at his side, she saw that his necktie was Darth Vader and beamed up at him for following the no Star Trek rule. Breaking tradition, she kissed him. He blushed profusely and gave her a little scolding head shake. She gave him a "whatever" eye roll.

"Friends, Family and Colleagues of Amy and Sheldon, I know they wish to thank you for joining them on their wedding day," Judge Frances announced, "As I have been instructed to keep it short and sweet and legal, let us begin…"

Sheldon and Amy faced each other and recited the standard legal vows to each other. They had flirted with the idea of writing their own, but neither felt like their mushy, hippy feelings were something to be shared with the public. They clasped hands and repeated after Judge Frances, secure in the knowledge that the marriage agreement would cover most of the other issues.

"Now the exchanging of rings." Bernadette came forward (Penny had, as a joke, pretended to lose the ring at the groom's dinner, so she'd been demoted.) and handed the ring to Amy.

Amy slipped the ring onto Sheldon's hand, secure in the knowledge that this was the last time he would wear it, because he hated rings so much. He was humoring the mothers.

Sheldon then stepped closer to Amy and lifted her pendant. He freed, the green and golden ring from its clockwork casing, he laid the pendant back on Amy's chest with a slight smirk that told his bride, "I could have totally touched your boob right there." She giggled as her ring went back on her finger, where it belonged (except during work hours).

"Amy and Sheldon have entered into the state of matrimony. By the power vested in me by the completely secular authority of the state of California. I now pronounce you, husband and wife." Sheldon went in for the kiss, "Not so fast, tiger. We have a short audio visual presentation."

The opening theme song to Star Wars blared through the room, the lights went out and one sentence appeared.

"_**Three years ago, at a coffee shop about 12 miles away…"**_

The scrolling began:

_**A cup of herbal tea, a glass of tepid water were consumed and a new forced was created in the universe; That of the Shamy. Now they have married and the galaxy holds its breathe wondering if the official joining of this Jedi Princess and this dude in the Darth Vader tie will prevent them from building a Death Star manned entirely by an army of evil, super-intelligent monkeys.**_

_**Well, it won't stop them. It might slow them down.**_

_**Now, representatives of the galactic order of people who know Sheldon and Amy; Engage hyperdrive and let's go party!"**_

The music changed to the Imperial March. Sheldon smiled at Amy, took her face in his hands and kissed her deeply.

"Oh, yeah," Judge Frances chuckled, "You can kiss her now."

"Yeah, I know." Sheldon offered Amy his hand and he whisked her back down the aisle. "Can we just get in the limo and go to the reception?"

"Pictures and they we can go."

This was unacceptable, his bride was dressed like Princess Leia… He hadn't gone into Pon Farr as predicted, but he was the acknowledged Han Solo in this situation. How often does that happen? "Not necessary, eidetic memory, I don't need pictures."

"You mother wants them," Amy reasoned.

"My mother wanted us to get married in a Mega-Church. She is used to being thwarted." Sheldon tugged on her hand.

"No." she said sternly, "We have to take pictures." She made a face, "Just a few. The photographer got a ton during the ceremony." She felt her cheeks get red. He was giving her that look. That coaxing, come to bed look. "Okay, we can make out in the bride's room for 10 minutes."

"I'll take it."

She grabbed his hand and yanked him down the hall. As Penny called out, "hey! Come back, we have pictures!"

"Leave it." Leonard grinned, "She is dressed like Princess Leia."

"That bitch." Bernadette said, leaning on the door. "No getting out of the slave girl costume tonight."

"Wasn't that great?" Raj asked as he and Padma crowded into the vestibule. The wedding guests dispersed around them.

"If we ever get married, can we let Raj do something? First, Howard and Bernadette's satellite photo, now this?" Leonard observed, "I mean, you know he wants to go bigger…"

"No Star Trek," Penny stated without realizing that she was pretty much agreeing to marry him, "Now, no Star Wars."

"Shhhh…" Raj soothed, "I already know exactly what I am going to do."

Padma grinned, "Seriously?"

"Shhh…" Raj soothed, "Only you get elephants, my love."

Missy, Josh, Stuart, George and Wil Wheaton pushed their way into the small alcove.

"Where are they?" Wil asked. "I was promised an open bar."

"Hell, yeah!" George extended his hand to hi-five the sci-fi icon. Wil shot him an eloquent "Bitch, Please." Glare.

Missy looked down the hall, "They are making out somewhere…"

George glared at his sister, "Shelly proved there was no psychic link between y'all when you were 5. How do you know where he is?"

"She's dressed like Princess Leia," explained Josh.

"That makes Sheldon, Han Solo," Howard continued.

"We still have to take pictures, so Amy won't go." Penny offered.

"But she won't want to wait, either," Bernadette said, "Because Sheldon is now Han Solo in this scenario."

"And they can't have sex, Because Amy's dress will wrinkle." Raj chimed in.

"And she'll want to be near her make-up for a pre-picture retouch," noted Padma.

"Missy," Leonard said, cleaning his glasses, "You should amend your statement. They are making out in the bridal room, next to Amy's make up kit."

"It ain't voodoo, Georgie, it is logical." Missy arched her eyebrow, looking almost Vulcan for a second. The brow went down when the mothers came out asking when pictures were starting.

Once the couple hit the bridal room, Sheldon pinned the door shut with Amy's body, "Ground rules?" he asked.

"Don't wrinkle my dress. Don't mess my make up. Do not touch my hair." She stipulated. Seeing his face fall, "just until after the pictures. Then you can mess me up, baby."

"I just mean, those things kind of limit us." Sheldon pouted, pulling back a little.

"No. It just means we need to be creative." Amy closed the gap, sliding her hand into his inner suit pocket and fishing out his cell phone. "Now set the timer for 7 minutes."

"You said we had 10." The pouting came back.

"7 minutes in Heaven, take it or leave it." She said sternly. He nodded assent, and she whirled him around and backed him into the door, whispering, "Love the tie."

"Love everything," he whispered back, "Thank you," he leaned down and kissed her.

"Raj almost dissolved with glee when I told him my idea." She sighed into his mouth, "don't worry about the make up."

"I need more than 7 minutes," he moaned, cupping her face in his hands.

"SHELDON LEE COOPER!" Mary screeched, "GET OFF THAT LITTLE GIRL AND COME GET YOUR PICTURES DONE!"

Sheldon held his phone over his head and clicked off the timer, growling slightly.

"YOU'RE MEEMAW IS OUT THERE SHELLY!"

"Amy," called her mother, "Is this how a lady acts at her wedding?"

Amy made her hands into claws and mimed ripping her face off.

"I am just doing my make up!" Amy shouted, "Sheldon is keeping me company! Cuz he is my husband!" the anger faded from her face and she smiled brightly, "Hey! You are my husband!"

Sheldon grinned back, "That's right. We are married." He looked surprised, "Weird."

"I know, right!"

"Amy, it is me." Missy called, "Why don't you let me help with the retouch." Sheldon opened the door so his twin could slip in. Amy watched in amusement as they began to mime fight. The upshot was 'how could you betray me?' 'She just knew!' 'whatever, you are dead to me. Wait. No you aren't. I'm sorry I mimed that.' 'I'm sorry too.' Then they nodded. "Shelly, you are married!" Missy laughed, "That is just nuts!"

Three minutes later a defiant groom and a newly touched up bride emerged for pictures.

_A/N: God, that was hard to write! I have this very clear visual of how I wanted their ceremony to go. I don't know if it is right. Okay, only the reception and wedding night left. _


End file.
